Recognize Reality
by saltyspn
Summary: Dean begins to wonder why he's been feeling strange, acting differently. Especially around Cas.
1. Chapter 1

I figured it out the day after Cas announced he was staying with us. At first I thought it was just the usual trauma, brought back from the flashbacks, the constant screaming in my head. I was certain it couldn't possibly be this. I was clueless - I probably still am. Hell, I know I am. There's no denying that.

I'm still not sure if Sam knows. If he does, he hasn't mentioned it. He was there, after all. I still remember.

* * *

I heard a small _click_ and the thumping of heavy footsteps as Sam walked in the motel room, followed shortly by Cas. "Hello, Dean," he uttered, his gravelly voice washing over me as he walked past. His beige trench coat fluttered as Sam shut the door. "Hey," Sam muttered. I was still staring when I reached for my beer, clumsily knocking it over from the distraction. What little that was left dripped down onto my shoe, causing me to jump back a bit. Castiel immediately seemed to notice my nuanced behavior. He smirked, and for the first time I noticed how distressed he looked himself. He was hiding something. "Are you alright?" he asked. He bent over to grab a beer from the small fridge. I almost asked him to grab me one when he set his down on the table, nudging it towards me. He pulled up a chair.

"Dean," he said again, gaining my attention this time. "You seem... distracted."

"I… I'm fine, Cas," I managed to spit out, putting on a smile for half a second. He raised his eyebrows, replied with "Whatever you say," and smiled back. His smile. That's the kind of smile that could take you away from reality.

Only then did I notice Sam was missing. I scanned the room. "Sam?" I called out. "Dude," he replied, putting a hand on my shoulder from behind. "I'm right here." He gave me that confused look we've all seen before, his mouth half open, and said "Cas is right. There _is_ something up with you." He glanced at me one last time before heading for the bathroom. It was getting late, and I probably should have gone to sleep. But a part of me urged me to stay, to be comforted by Cas. I didn't know why.

Apparently I wasn't the only one with unrecognizable feelings. "You don't seem so great yourself," I told Cas. I smiled - for real, this time. "Are you hiding something?" His face seemed to go through a short phase of mixed emotion; his brow furrowed, then raised; his eyes squinted; he began to open his mouth, but kept it still. His cheeks grew lush with color. He chuckled. "No," he said matter-of-factly. He raised his head to match mine. I focused on those blue eyes. Behind them lay a clear wall of deception. I could tell he was trying to see past mine. It made me uncomfortable.

I suddenly stood up; he slowly raised his head toward me. "I- I should get ready," I stuttered, fumbling with the words I honestly didn't want to say. "You sure?" Cas asked, his voice unsteady. I pretended not to hear him. Sam was already in his bed. I quickly walked toward mine, disregarding the beer Cas had gotten for me. The rough feel of the rug cut into my feet. I got in, turning over to face the wall. I didn't realize at the time, but the tick in Cas's voice was that of disappointment.


	2. Chapter 2

That next day was all a blur. Cas wasn't even with us for the most part, had some "business" to take care of that he refused to tell us about. Sam tried to invoke conversation, but I couldn't help but drift away. And that's when he blew up, telling me that I wasn't taking this job seriously, that he was better off working this one alone. He expected me to fight back. I had never let Sam take advantage of me like that. "I... I have to... I..." I just couldn't think or talk straight. I sprinted toward the Impala and immediately got in. Before driving off I could see Sam's face, as he obviously wanted me to stay. Sorry, Sammy.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. As I drove toward the motel all I could think of was Cas; his face, those blue eyes, images of him burning into my mind as if someone was throwing them at me. I couldn't control myself. I needed to see him. Over and over again, throughout my head, I could hear his voice; _Hello Dean. Are you alright?_ I banged my fist onto the wheel. What was happening? And that's when I figured it out.

I was falling in love with Castiel.

* * *

I needed to see him, but I kept telling myself I didn't. That this wasn't happening. But I couldn't fight it; it was reality. I turned my key and pushed on the door, my hands still shaky. I froze; Cas was standing at the end of the room, facing the wall. I could see his shoulders tighten, his hands slowly clench. "Hello Dean." The words I've been waiting to hear. He turned his head toward me first, then the rest of his body. I could see his eyes were red. I just stood there. I couldn't speak. How was I to tell him?

He walked toward me, slowly, the clop of his shoes perfectly in sync. His firm expression was locked on mine. He was so close now, and I didn't have to look in a mirror to see my flushed cheeks. How was he so calm? His lips slowly parted, as he was about to speak. His eyes showed no foolery, his mouth pushed into a gentle frown. "I..." he began. And suddenly, I knew what he was going to say. I could feel it, the warmth of his hand now resting on my shoulder spreading around my body. His struggle was clear. I finally felt safe. "Oh, Cas," I said - without my voice cracking, for once. I saw his shoulders relax as he reached out to put his arms around my back, his head now resting on my shoulder. I fought back the tears, although Cas was not so reluctant to. I uttered the words I had wanted to say so badly: "I love you too, Cas."


	3. Chapter 3

We finally parted, and I could see Cas's sullen face lighten - his flat mouth curl into a slight smile. My dumbstruck face turned into a mix of awe and passion, that smile striking me like a wall of flame. And I just couldn't help it. For the first time in a long time, I cried. Not just a few tears, or puffy eyes, but I _sobbed,_ still smiling the whole time. "Dean," Cas murmured, his rough hand stroking my damp cheek. I could see his tears as well, his red eyes a result of pain and relief. And at that point I just wanted to fall asleep, as silly as it sounded, us standing there by the door, my head in his hand.

And to believe that all of this happened just a few hours ago. Cas right now is asleep on the couch, I in my bed. I wonder how he drifted off so easily, as I've just been lying here, watching his chest fall up and down, waiting for who knows what. I love this man. Everything about him. They way he sleeps, every night, his head pushed back so far his mouth lies open. His arms draped over that of the couch, reaching beyond his head and motionless in the still air. His coat, still on, suspended over the couch's side, without a wrinkle to be seen.

And those eyes. Those beautiful, blue eyes. Not visible at the moment, but seared into my brain. I can envision the shine, the emotion they portray. What I would give to see them open right now.

I still can't believe this is happening.

I turn over, facing the wall, away from him. As I begin to finally drift off, that smile finds its way onto my face, creeping up on me. I replay the scene again and again in my mind, wanting to relive it.

I feel a sudden warmth on my bare shoulder, something pressing softly into my skin. "Hi," I hear. I turn around in relief, looking up at Cas's now calmed face. His trench coat lies back on the arm of the couch, as he is in his white dress shirt and trousers. His hair looks unmoved. Has he been awake the whole time? "Room for one more?" he asks. My arms grow tense, shocked yet grateful for this question. I now see his innocent, stunning face. "Of course." A reddish hue engulfs my cheeks as he slides in next to me. Will this happen every time we're in range of each other? Cas stares up at the wall in front of the bed, as if there was a TV there. But there is nothing. He is clearly thinking about something.

_Who will make the first move,_ I bring myself to wonder. I turn my head toward his, which is still focused on the blank wall. I sit up. Has Cas seen me shirtless before? He's awfully comfortable about this. I lay my head on the soft fabric covering his shoulder, a grainy feel brushing against my cheek. He takes a breath, about to say something. I jerk my head up as he faces me. His face is in all seriousness.

"I've never done this before," he utters. I'm not sure what he means. I'm not sure I want to know. The way his mouth moves so subtly when he talks just adds to the solemn expression he truly feels. He's sitting up now, too. We both just stare at each other, his eyes darting between my own two. He tilts his head slowly to one side. He's done that a million times, a result of confusion. This seemed different. He moved closer. Oh. I know what he meant now. I'm not ready to do this, but...

I let out a heavy breath, my heart still beating quickly. His lips move and open slightly, his teeth showing behind them. I lean forward, putting my hand on the bed near his for support, and begin to open mine. Cas moves a little faster now, and extends his neck so our noses are inches away. We pause. In reality this is only a few seconds, but to me it seems like a few hours. I focus again on those eyes, crinkled this time from excitement. His lips are still yet flawless - not even cracked and dry like mine. I hope he doesn't mind.

And then something in me urges me to push forward, to go all in. And I do. I bring my lips upon his, my eyes closed now. It feels wonderful. My lips loosen, as I feel his relax too. I take my hand off the bed and wrap it around his head. Soon comes the other, running through his burnt chestnut hair. His hands run down my bare back, and back up to my neck. We're still kissing when his head hits the pillow, me on top of him, my hands still in that hair, his still around my neck. I can feel his lips moving in and out of mine, like he wants more. I pull away to see his satisfied, beaming face. I unbutton his shirt and he pulls it off, carelessly tossing it off the side of the bed. He giggled and I followed, our lips soon fastened again. I've never had an experience as magnificent as this.


End file.
